I’ve been feeling frustrated with my progress in voice and acting. It is painful to see I haven’t made the leap I had hoped for from the work I have been doing with my drama buddy friend, the one to one sessions on voice and drama, the drama course, all the reading and my own personal input.
I am scared that I have started too late to pursue my life dream, or that I will never catch up in this life.
I guess I have gone wrong by lacking the practical vision, discipline and structure and not having worked harder in the past few months.
Failing the audition for the Masters in Acting for Screen at Central School of Speech and Drama was a crushing blow to my weak and vulnerable confidence and self-esteem. I had never expected to be dropped from the selection process at first hand. I truly believed I had been good enough in my monologue and had done well in my interview to be invited for a recall or, at the least, being put on their waiting list. I opened my heart and soul in saying to them that acting is all I feel like doing in the next and final half of my life. It is now or never for me to pursue my life dream and succeed. Having a place at their masters was the right thing to me, the watershed event towards realising my life aspiration. So I told them. So I believed then. Sadly I was naive and made a fool of myself.
I’m coming to terms with this experience. After two days of tears, feeling inflamed and ashamed, I called CSSD and explained I needed feedback to understand what happened so I could improve and move on. The girl whom I spoke with was sympathetic. She picked the notes from the course director and the teacher who watched my monologue and did the interview. She told me that they thought I needed:
- Further training in acting and performance;
- Further connection with the piece of monologue;
- Vocal work ( ” Again it goes back to the piece,” said the person who gave me the feedback. By then I thought of all the criticism I have received about speaking in a ‘flat’ manner, lacking the stresses and intonation of English Received Pronunciation, etc. I finished the talk then because I was just too hurt and sorry for myself. Were those concerns raised from the performance of my monologue only or they concluded their impressions with the interview? I was asked about my children’s theatre company and what training I had. I told them about attending the Foundation in Drama course at City Lit and few courses at Actors Studio, including the upcoming Acting for Screen with Mel Churcher. I now know I did not say enough and I did not answer how I should and could have answered their questions.
I shall get over this experience as life goes on. Regarding the interview bit of the audition, next time if asked about my ‘training’, I shall say much more focusing on my strengths and being specific about my experiences such as the theatre company I founded and performed in the plays I wrote and directed, for example.
Life goes on, even though at the moment I feel I’m inside a maze for the pleasure and happiness I had in attending the drama course at City Lit has been affected by my drama tutor’s harshness and the homework I don’t understand how to do.
I need to take stock of my journey so far and realign myself by sourcing from within and God’s love. Ultimately this is about resilience. And resilience comes down to self-love and self-knowledge.