I have listened to Tapping Into Archangel Alchemy with Doreen Virtue and Michael David Virtue from World Angel Summit 2017- I feel BLESSED. I feel I have started to understand more about the forces of intention, action and manifestation and how they interact. Sometimes everything goes wrong because the intention is sourced from the ego, it is not based on the highest good to ourselves and others. Deep down, we are out of tune with our real, love source-selves. For example, the intent of achieving something may be to show it off to others. It may purely be for the desire of status and prestige. Perhaps that’s exactly what happened in my audition at CSSD. Was I there for validation, prestige and status?
I thought I had prepared well enough to be granted a recall, go through the whole selection process and, in the end, be offered a place at their MA in Screen Acting. My ego hit a roadblock. I was seen and interviewed by someone who has had years of practice on QiGong and directing actors, someone who gathered all her experience, practice and wisdom in a book, not by chance, titled The Energetic Performer.
What energy, combined with my words from the performance of my monologue and what I said in the interview, demonstrated to this person that I was not worth to have a recall and a place in her school? Was I just ego and over-confident I had a place in her school, the reason why I did not care or think of depicting my work with the theatre company I once founded and ceased, and the training in the past two years? I was in my imaginary world and I took for granted the opportunity to deliver facts and marketing myself in the best rational way. She didn’t want to hear about my dreams and past fears. She wanted to know about my work in the theatre company I had and about the training I’ve been having in acting and performance so far.
In the end of the audition process, the ego came across because she did not see my real self and actor; instead, she saw a dreamer during the interview and a flaky performance of my monologue piece. Was I in the interview flakier than in the performance of my monologue?
All I know now is that the interview was my chance to counter-balance the first impression of the performance of my monologue, to express orally all I said in writing on my personal statement of the application form. All that mattered was to express orally the practical knowledge and ability I gained from my theatre company when it existed, my current drama training on Stanislavski and Method acting, and ultimately my self-work on voice and readings on Mel Churcher, Patsy Rodenburg, Kristin Linklater, Uta Hagen, Michael Chekov and even the book by my interviewer: The Energetic Performer!
I am now facing the aftermath of this experience in terms of hurt and self-knowledge.
Today during Michael David Virtue’s audio meditation, I asked the question of how I could live life from self-love and not from ego. The answer came in my heart that I just had to be aware of the basic principle of being in the present, carrying out the outer and inner work I have set myself to do on my voice, acting skills, self-forgiveness and forgiveness towards my parents and others. The roadblock I hit has been lifted. I am on the path of redesigning my profile, nurturing and helping my own inner child and, hopefully as part of my life purpose, helping young people too. Journalling my feelings has been challenging. I am coming to terms with the outcome of my audition at CSSD and how dreamy I came across to the audition panel. Once again, I have been made aware of focusing on the present and doing the outer and inner work and leaving the self, fearful and foolish ego behind.
You are the only one left
And you’ve got to clean up this mess
You know you’ll end up like the rest
Bitter and twisted, unless
You stay strong
Carry on..’ Les Jours Tristes by Yann Tiersen